Mama Lies

7 am and the alarm clock is ringing. By alarm clock I mean Wyatt running down the hall towards me. Cheyenne’s bedroom door opens and shuts. The chaos of the day has just begun and I am no where near ready for it. I roll over and I beg for just a little more rest.

I drag myself into the living room to change Wyatt into a fresh diaper and set up breakfast for him and the older kiddos. “Jay can you watch him while I go lay down with Raylan for a bit?” With out hesitation Jaydon says “Yes mama.” I drag myself into my room and I curl up next to Raylan and I am out faster than light.

Next thing I know Jay comes in and it’s lunch time, Raylan has been up for a couple hours and my big kids have been maintaining the babies while I sleep. I am just so tired, I can’t peel my head from my pillow and I probably couldn’t even sew my eyelids open. I am just so heavy.

They come in “Mommy when you get up can we….” “Yes I promise when I get up just I’m so tired I need to rest a bit”…But the resting doesn’t seem to end. Cheyenne has begged for us to sew, hike, or go to the park and mama keeps saying. “Not today, mama just doesn’t feel good.”

Mama hasn’t “felt” good since May. I have been battling to stay awake and I have been living on Monsters and NOS. Nothing is helping. I lost nearly 13 pounds in 10 days. Granted I was eating healthy when I ate and drinking nearly a Gallon or two a day, but 13 lbs in 10 days no matter how you spin it isn’t healthy for someone of my size.

Since May I have had too many days to count that I stay in bed until my husband is due home around 4:30 PM. I get up make dinner only to go back to sleep by 9. I have spent nearly 12 hours sleeping and still cannot pull myself out of bed without feeling weighed down with exhaustion. I could drink 3 monsters a day, a cup of coffee, and it is no where near enough. When I call the doctor they say that’s not normal and the refer my to yet again another specialist. Its Hashimotos, its fibromyalgia, its auto immune disease, or it could be PCOS. All of which have very similar symptoms, but no one knows exactly what medicines to give me. So they’ve loaded me down with not 1, but 4 new medicines and I cannot tell which is causing which symptom.

I just want to get up clean house, play with my kids, and not struggle to raise my head off my pillow. I want to hike with my kids and my local hiking group, but I am afraid I will not have the energy to get them to the end of the trail.

So mama lies. I lie I feel fine, I lie as I drink the 3rd monster in a row, I lie I am too busy,   I lie I will get up in a minute as I lie in bed struggling to lift up my heavy head.

I am grateful for my kids who may not understand why mama is struggling, but they see it so they let me rest. My heart breaks every time I lay in bed as they play in the living room.

Having hashimotos is a battle that I am not the only one wounded in. Hashimotos effects my entire family. It takes days away from my children, moments, and memories. Many people do not know the amount of control your thyroid has over your body, but here are some of the things controlled by thyroid.

  • Breathing
  • Heart rate
  • Central and peripheral nervous systems
  • Body weight
  • Muscle strength
  • Menstrual cycles
  • Body temperature
  • Cholesterol levels
  • Digestive function
  • Muscle control
  • Brain development
  • Mood
  • Bone maintenance

When my thyroid is out of wack my entire body takes a hit. My kids can tell there is something wrong, my husband knows, and I continue to smile even with the struggle. I eat healthy and it doesn’t seem to matter. I gave 5 years of my life to personal training , health and fitness, but hashimotos did not care. It’s an everyday battle and everyday is different. I could wake up tomorrow and feel rested for the better half of the day, but then the very next day I lie.

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