Facing a Giant

It was a Tuesday and I had an appointment that would change my next few months. I had been experiencing piercing pains during my menstrual cycle for nearly most my life, why would I be concerned. What news could they share with me that I couldn’t deal with. Everything up until this point has just been “cycle” pain. It came one time a month and I dealt with the pain in the moment with exercise and Tylenol. It lasted about a week and a half and it was gone until the next cycle.

Shortly after Wyatt was born my cramps became more like stabbing. It doubled me over and some days I was in so much pain that everyone I talked to knew I was not my normal self. My endocrinology Dr thought once we figured out my thyroid medication dosage that maybe my cycle would calm down, but it didn’t it just kept getting worse. So I was referred for an ultrasound of my ovaries and uterine wall. My biggest fear was that maybe somehow I was miscarrying a missed pregnancy, but that was highly unlikely we can’t get pregnant anymore. That’s the only thing that could explain the pain and spotting I had.

As I was having the ultrasound I watched the sonographer measure all kind of things including blood flow in my uterus and my ovaries. When she was done, with a smile she said “Ok I’ll get these results read and visit with your doctor, if you’ll wait in the waiting room it won’t be long”. I wasn’t concerned, until a few minutes turned into 40 minutes in the waiting room.

When I was called back I was in an office not a exam room. There I was with my two boys in an office for results. I had been here before. That’s right, when we were losing our twins the doctor met us in an office to tell us that our twins were not going to make it. I felt the pain of that conversation come flushing through my memory. Panic was setting in, I couldn’t breath. Something was not right, why was I here instead of an exam room?

Answers soon came. The doctor walked in, we shook hands, and he motioned for me to take a seat. “Mickey, this isn’t easy for me to tell you, but you have what seems to be a tumor in your right ovary that is rather large and it needs to be removed. I also need to tell you that you have extensive uterine muscle damage, it is called Adenomyosis, most of the time it goes away with menopause, but you’re still nearly 15-20 years away from that. This is what is causing all your pain. Your uterus will also need removed.”

His words hit me like a 10 ton brick. I had a lump in my throat and I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. He handed me a tissue. “I am sorry to have to deliver that news to you, I can’t even pretend to understand. Were you planning on having any more children? We have to put you on medicine before we operate” I just shook my head to say no, I didn’t want to upset the boys with my tearful voice. I gathered myself smiled ” Thank you for finding out what causing the pain, I’m ready for it to be over so please just let me know what to do.”

He told me they’d like to start me on antibiotics combat any infection that may have settled in since I had been experiencing this pain for so long. He also explained that he would leave my left ovary so I wouldn’t need excessive hormone replacement. I finished up the needed scheduling and packed up the boys to leave.

Saturday came and I was unraveling. Every little thing irritated me, every thought was just darkened with doubt and negativity. I couldn’t understand why everything just keeps hitting our family.

Why am I not even thirty yet and facing a hysterectomy?
Why has my body created life, but also seems to take it?

I don’t know the answers to either of those, but prayers is all I know to do.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11


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