Facing a Giant

It was a Tuesday and I had an appointment that would change my next few months. I had been experiencing piercing pains during my menstrual cycle for nearly most my life, why would I be concerned. What news could they share with me that I couldn’t deal with. Everything up until this point has just been “cycle” pain. It came one time a month and I dealt with the pain in the moment with exercise and Tylenol. It lasted about a week and a half and it was gone until the next cycle.

Shortly after Wyatt was born my cramps became more like stabbing. It doubled me over and some days I was in so much pain that everyone I talked to knew I was not my normal self. My endocrinology Dr thought once we figured out my thyroid medication dosage that maybe my cycle would calm down, but it didn’t it just kept getting worse. So I was referred for an ultrasound of my ovaries and uterine wall. My biggest fear was that maybe somehow I was miscarrying a missed pregnancy, but that was highly unlikely we can’t get pregnant anymore. That’s the only thing that could explain the pain and spotting I had.

As I was having the ultrasound I watched the sonographer measure all kind of things including blood flow in my uterus and my ovaries. When she was done, with a smile she said “Ok I’ll get these results read and visit with your doctor, if you’ll wait in the waiting room it won’t be long”. I wasn’t concerned, until a few minutes turned into 40 minutes in the waiting room.

When I was called back I was in an office not a exam room. There I was with my two boys in an office for results. I had been here before. That’s right, when we were losing our twins the doctor met us in an office to tell us that our twins were not going to make it. I felt the pain of that conversation come flushing through my memory. Panic was setting in, I couldn’t breath. Something was not right, why was I here instead of an exam room?

Answers soon came. The doctor walked in, we shook hands, and he motioned for me to take a seat. “Mickey, this isn’t easy for me to tell you, but you have what seems to be a tumor in your right ovary that is rather large and it needs to be removed. I also need to tell you that you have extensive uterine muscle damage, it is called Adenomyosis, most of the time it goes away with menopause, but you’re still nearly 15-20 years away from that. This is what is causing all your pain. Your uterus will also need removed.”

His words hit me like a 10 ton brick. I had a lump in my throat and I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. He handed me a tissue. “I am sorry to have to deliver that news to you, I can’t even pretend to understand. Were you planning on having any more children? We have to put you on medicine before we operate” I just shook my head to say no, I didn’t want to upset the boys with my tearful voice. I gathered myself smiled ” Thank you for finding out what causing the pain, I’m ready for it to be over so please just let me know what to do.”

He told me they’d like to start me on antibiotics combat any infection that may have settled in since I had been experiencing this pain for so long. He also explained that he would leave my left ovary so I wouldn’t need excessive hormone replacement. I finished up the needed scheduling and packed up the boys to leave.

Saturday came and I was unraveling. Every little thing irritated me, every thought was just darkened with doubt and negativity. I couldn’t understand why everything just keeps hitting our family.

Why am I not even thirty yet and facing a hysterectomy?
Why has my body created life, but also seems to take it?

I don’t know the answers to either of those, but prayers is all I know to do.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11


Laredo Miss Kate Boots Review

I’m here to be honest. I am in love with these beautiful sniptoe Laredo Miss Kate boots, in fact so much I’m on my second pair in 2 years. That’s right my second pair. I bought my first pair summer 2016. I wore them until I couldn’t anymore. I could’ve resoled them, but the leather was actually tearing on both right and left vamp of the boot. It was really strange because they tore in the same spot. Just looked like someone slit it with a knife on each boot. However I still loved them. I wore them pretty much everyday for 2 years, until the sole was completely shot.


So my husband ordered another pair in a 7.5. He was hoping that the reason behind the tear was because my 7 were a tad snug. The 7.5 fit like a dream and I love them even better than the pair of 7. The reason I love these boots is comfort, fashion, and temperature. My feet never hurt in them. I could stand on my feet for an entire 8 hour shift and my feet never even bothered me. They have a composition sole on them which makes wearing them comfortable.

There isn’t too much I can’t pair with these boots! They are so versatile and match just about everything. I wear them with pants, skirts, shorts, really everything! The colors are perfectly simple and beautiful.

My feet never became to hot or cold. I live in Wyoming, where you can never trust the weather man. No matter if it was hot or cold, my feet never felt uncomfortable. They have some kind of microfiber material lining the inside. This material is designed to wick away moisture and keep your feet dry.

Let’s talk price. Well I believe for as much as wore them and how hard I was on them $150 was an extremely fair price. Especially since I know they will last me a long while. Laredo Boots is a part of Dan Post boot company and Dan Post actually has a pair almost very similar to them for $275 and those can be found here if you are looking for a higher quality boot.



Mama Lies

7 am and the alarm clock is ringing. By alarm clock I mean Wyatt running down the hall towards me. Cheyenne’s bedroom door opens and shuts. The chaos of the day has just begun and I am no where near ready for it. I roll over and I beg for just a little more rest.

I drag myself into the living room to change Wyatt into a fresh diaper and set up breakfast for him and the older kiddos. “Jay can you watch him while I go lay down with Raylan for a bit?” With out hesitation Jaydon says “Yes mama.” I drag myself into my room and I curl up next to Raylan and I am out faster than light.

Next thing I know Jay comes in and it’s lunch time, Raylan has been up for a couple hours and my big kids have been maintaining the babies while I sleep. I am just so tired, I can’t peel my head from my pillow and I probably couldn’t even sew my eyelids open. I am just so heavy.

They come in “Mommy when you get up can we….” “Yes I promise when I get up just I’m so tired I need to rest a bit”…But the resting doesn’t seem to end. Cheyenne has begged for us to sew, hike, or go to the park and mama keeps saying. “Not today, mama just doesn’t feel good.”

Mama hasn’t “felt” good since May. I have been battling to stay awake and I have been living on Monsters and NOS. Nothing is helping. I lost nearly 13 pounds in 10 days. Granted I was eating healthy when I ate and drinking nearly a Gallon or two a day, but 13 lbs in 10 days no matter how you spin it isn’t healthy for someone of my size.

Since May I have had too many days to count that I stay in bed until my husband is due home around 4:30 PM. I get up make dinner only to go back to sleep by 9. I have spent nearly 12 hours sleeping and still cannot pull myself out of bed without feeling weighed down with exhaustion. I could drink 3 monsters a day, a cup of coffee, and it is no where near enough. When I call the doctor they say that’s not normal and the refer my to yet again another specialist. Its Hashimotos, its fibromyalgia, its auto immune disease, or it could be PCOS. All of which have very similar symptoms, but no one knows exactly what medicines to give me. So they’ve loaded me down with not 1, but 4 new medicines and I cannot tell which is causing which symptom.

I just want to get up clean house, play with my kids, and not struggle to raise my head off my pillow. I want to hike with my kids and my local hiking group, but I am afraid I will not have the energy to get them to the end of the trail.

So mama lies. I lie I feel fine, I lie as I drink the 3rd monster in a row, I lie I am too busy,   I lie I will get up in a minute as I lie in bed struggling to lift up my heavy head.

I am grateful for my kids who may not understand why mama is struggling, but they see it so they let me rest. My heart breaks every time I lay in bed as they play in the living room.

Having hashimotos is a battle that I am not the only one wounded in. Hashimotos effects my entire family. It takes days away from my children, moments, and memories. Many people do not know the amount of control your thyroid has over your body, but here are some of the things controlled by thyroid.

  • Breathing
  • Heart rate
  • Central and peripheral nervous systems
  • Body weight
  • Muscle strength
  • Menstrual cycles
  • Body temperature
  • Cholesterol levels
  • Digestive function
  • Muscle control
  • Brain development
  • Mood
  • Bone maintenance

When my thyroid is out of wack my entire body takes a hit. My kids can tell there is something wrong, my husband knows, and I continue to smile even with the struggle. I eat healthy and it doesn’t seem to matter. I gave 5 years of my life to personal training , health and fitness, but hashimotos did not care. It’s an everyday battle and everyday is different. I could wake up tomorrow and feel rested for the better half of the day, but then the very next day I lie.


Treat yo Self!

I have a fascination with Parks and Rec lately. My husband started to watch it and I was hooked. We finished our binge and I could probably re-watch it tomorrow and still find it funny. I am not normally one to binge watch shows without my husband. Actually I probably only watch TV when my honey bunch is home.

Well any ways, one of my favorite ideals I took from watching Parks and Rec is Donna Meagel’s and Tom Haverford’s Treat Yo’ Self Day! Seriously GENIUS! I mean what better kind of day?


For those of you who aren’t familiar, you gotta watch it!

Treat yo’ Self day is a day that you get yourself whatever you desire! A day where you don’t even think about anyone but yourself. Selfish? HELL NO!

Look I spend my days with four minions constantly on my tail. Although I created those minions and yes I absolutely adore them, I think a day just for mama to do whatever, buy whatever, go where ever, and eat whatever (without swapping spit) is perfectly ok!


I think this year I am gonna set money aside so I can have my self the biggest TREAT Yo’ Self Day. I will build myself a list and do it all.


My Treat Yo’ Self List

Watch the Sunrise



TONS of Boutique shopping

Makeup shopping

Salt water Jacuzzi

Grab Coffee

Sit by a lake and read or draw

Get myself New boots



Seriously I could go on and on! I need like 2 Treat Yo’ self days or maybe even a Treat yo’ Self weekend! One has to be for all the shopping and stuff and the other for an Outdoor adventure palooza! Hiking, fishing, swimming, and shooting, the works!

I don’t think it is selfish to have a treat yourself day. I think that we actually all need that especially mamas! We spend an incredible amount of time investing and advocating for our children and family that we forget to take care of ourselves! We become run down and tired it just makes since to me that we really take at least one day a year to pour every thing we have into ourselves.

What would be on your Treat yo’ Self list? Tell me!

Thankful for the Tribe

Wyatt is missing a sock, Raylan’s hair needs brushed, Jaydon probably didn’t shower today, Cheyenne is well a “fashion diva” as in nothing matches, and mama is about 3 liters and an IV drip shy of enough caffeine to keep up with it all.

Most days it is a struggle and I often feel like a failure. Over the last year I kept reaching out to my friend who also is a mama of four and hers are all boys. Like me she is an Autism mom. She had been dealing with it for a bit longer than I, so every-time I was lost or upset I reached out to Lena (lay-nuh) 😉 and asked for help or just for her to listen to me complain. She’d always tell me don’t waste my time on people who aren’t worth it, don’t listen to the negatives, or even that people think they know it all, but they don’t, and most of all find my tribe.

For a while I struggled and I tried, but everyone seemed to come up short, we just did not mesh well, they really didn’t understand life with multiples or a special needs kid. Life can be different and challenging with Autism, so finding other parents or even friends who aren’t parents that are open to learn or have first hand experience with autism can be grueling.

The year leading up to Raylan’s diagnosis was dreadful and heart wrenching at times. I felt incredibly alone, stressed out, and both mentally and physically exhausted. Raylan never slept and I had a newborn baby. There were days I just never thought I would make it through. Days when both boys would cry and I would sit with tears in my eyes too. I was constantly hearing everyone’s opinions and everyone’s advice. People can be real assholes you know. Telling me what to do, but no one was here to help me. Or telling me I use my kids for an excuse….

NEWS FLASH MY KIDS ARE MOST LIKELY ALWAYS MY EXCUSE, there are four of them and ONE of me!

“Oh you just have to….”, “Maybe you should…”, “You need to….”

Seriously just put a sock in it y’all! No one really knew exactly what to say or do they just wanted to fix my kids and my situation. No one really wanted to just be there, It wasn’t until I started to really focus on figuring out how to do life with 4 kids and one who is Autistic, that I shut everyone down. I became exhausted with opinions and eventually they just went in one ear and right out the other. I had to do what I thought was right for my kiddos. I had to find my tribe.

I have a lot of “support” on facebook, but not enough actual real life connections. That’s what a tribe is though. I needed real life relationships with people that either understand or wanna understand. You cannot build connections with people who don’t want to have a true connection and you cannot force friendships.

I wasn’t looking for just other moms who had four kids or even other moms who have special needs kids. I was looking for friends who get it. You know friends who if I call saying “I have no idea how I am supposed to make it today, Wyatt just painted my walls in finger paint made from crap. I haven’t showered in 3 days and I smell like a swamp creature!” Will return by saying ” I get it girl, it is OK we can reschedule” and truly mean it in the most sincere way. Friends who if I fall off the map for weeks at a time will not let me go alone. They will message me to make sure my kids have not suffocated me or that I haven’t fallen into a black hole. I needed true friends who weren’t trying to just fix me or my kids, but really stuck by my side even on the bad days.

Y’all, I cannot tell you how important having a true and tested tribe is. Now days friends and family are many behind a computer screen. A tribe though, is bonded with understanding and unconditional love. I am proud to say I have found my tribe this past year. Some of the people in my tribe haven’t even met one another, but have proven that if tested they will pull together if I need them too. I have moms in my tribe from Raylan’s school who really get it and haven’t even known me long, but have literally jumped with out hesitation to help me. I have members of my tribe who don’t even have kids, but if I tell them I need a moment or I am going to loose it, they are at my front door as soon as I hang up.

My tribe is made up of many people, from many walks of life, but they all support me and I will support them.


Why I wasn't healthy when I was "fit" 

The beginning of summer 2011, I began my fitness journey, weighing 208lbs.

I hired an encouraging trainer when my daughter was roughly about 15 months old. Her eccentric personality and exciting bikini competitions kept me motivated. I wanted to accomplish what she had accomplished. I followed her strict food and exercise regimen by severing all my ties with my beloved foods. I began taking supplements that I did not understand. I couldn’t tell you why or even what I was taking. All I know is Ali told me to take them and if I wanted to look like Ali then it was vital for me to follow her program to the exact tee. Ali was wonderful, I dropped weight, and I continued this journey even after I ended my training program with her. However, I still needed to look like Ali and compete. I continued to just repeat the original program she had written for me, never allowing myself to cheat and never allowing myself to rest. I was down to 135 for 208 and to me I was still not skinny, I was still fat no matter what anyone said.

 Goal weight 135 lbs Fall 2011

Shortly after I hit my goal weight I decided to become a personal trainer. I studied the key points of my NASM study guide, I watched all my lectures, and outlined my whole book, but I really wasn’t listening to what I was learning. I studied just enough to pass my test, earn that certification to become a NASM personal trainer. Soon after I became a trainer I was hired on at American Family fitness. I learned one of my coworkers competed in bodybuilding and I just needed to train with him so I could compete as Ali did. I strived to look like her, not taking into account that I had children and she did not or that our body types were very different. I just wasn’t paying attention to anything I had learned over the past year. I hired Salby to walk me through my competition prep.

 After work routine

During my competition prep I remember spending countless extra hours in the gym, even though my work day was over. I would stay to practice posing, complete slow paced cardio, or to lift just a little extra; anything to get me there faster. The competition began to run every aspect of my life. Members of the gym started to pat me on the back and set my accomplishments on a pedestal, because they began to notice the change. It however was not enough, I wanted more. To them I was committed and they were so proud, but what they didn’t see was just how unhealthy I had become!

EditIn the midst of competition prep my relationship with food became even darker. As I prepped many things were cut from my diet. My cravings became more than I could handle. I craved 4sugar, sodium, and many other nutrients because my body was lacking in so much. In secret I would binge on multiple candy bars in one sitting or eat a whole box of sugar cookies and then drink a recovery shake to be healthy.
I began suffering from amenorrhea (an abnormal absence of menstruation) from the countless hours of extra cardio and workouts, that I did not fuel my body properly for. I became easily aggravated and impatient with my loved ones (who were originally my inspiration). My health began to suffer and my relationships followed.

9 Because I spent so many hours in the gym my children were often in the care of babysitters, instead of much needed time with me. Never wanted to be the mom who put myself above my family, but I was slowly becoming that. I am so blessed that they loved me through it. My poor husband saw a selfish woman replace his wife. I treated my beloved family as if I was more important. When I first became a trainer my client’s programs always came before mine. I would research their questions and medical conditions. From there I would design a program meant especially for them. I worked hand in hand with their health providers to ensure they had the best program designed just for them.  As I got further into my competition prep I became the very trainer I loathed; a cookie cutter trainer! I started giving everyone the same workout even if it wasn’t what they needed, I came unprepared to trai10ning sessions and my clients began to notice the change and my relationships with them were hindered. The moment I started to put my training above them was the moment I lost their trust. I became so consumed I didn’t care and I was acting as if I was better than them. I never treated anyone that way before and in fact it bothered me when I would see a trainer treat their clients this way. I went my whole prep blinded and harming those nearest and dearest to me.

Now nearly 6 years into my fitness journey I can finally look back and see exactly how
unhealthy I was both mentally and physically.final-26 I have 4 beautiful children who I spend every waking moment, with including my workouts. There is not a day goes by that I wish I could’ve changed that brief period of time that I missed out. I feel healthier now at 150lbs than I ever was at 120lbs.  It is my goal now as a fitness and wellness professional to help women create realistic/manageable goals while maintaining a healthy mind and body. As a wellness coach and fitness professional I have familiarized myself with the signs of eating disorders so I may refer my clients to receive the help they need. I will help my clients to lead a healthy life in all aspects not just looking “fit”, because fit doesn’t necessarily mean healthy.

It is so very important that we do not try to compare our selves to others! When we compare ourselves to someone else or set goals to be like someone else we are creating an uphill battle that we will not win. My goal is to teach my children self love and self respect at all stages. I want my daughter to know that being healthy on the inside is more important than being “fit” on the outside. I am thankful for that struggle and I am even more thankful that my eyes were open to just how unhealthy I was.




I write today with an extremely heavy heart. This morning the kids and I packed up to head out for our hike. It was a normal routine. Eating breakfast, packing lunch, lacing up our boots, and loading the truck up. Today was different, I just didn’t  know how different.

 The moment my boots hit the porch, I was plowed by the smell of burning pines and my eyes watered up from heavy smoke fog. 

Instantly I knew it was going to be a possibility we’d not get to hike. However, my kids wanted to hike. So we drove up towards Laramie, that is when I began to sob.

Mountains hidden by thick smoke

Yes, sob. I couldn’t stop. The mountain scape was hidden behind a layer of wildfire smoke. As we drove closer we watched camper after camper drive away from the smoke.

My daughter cried. ” Mommy what about the animals” My son worried “Are people dying?”. I uncontrollably wept. The kids and  I talked. Krystina cried “Mommy where are the water planes, why can’t the just put it out” I explained that even rain evaporates before it hits the fire because its so hot, how the wind feeds the fires and its destroying our lands.

We are in Cheyenne so the wildfires don’t threaten our home, but the smoke is so thick we cannot hike. The babies cannot breath and I cannot see without watery eyes. We had to turn around, but not without broken hearts. 

Mountains you should see clearly. We drove closer until we could see them.

My children wept and I cried. My brother is in Montana and it hurts knowing there’s nothing I can do.

Our land is under fire. The land that gives my son the much needed therapy he can’t get from any therapist, the land that is my fortress, the land that one day I hope to explore, and the land my children will one day inherit.

Please remember our land that is underfire.