Letting Go of what was for what is.

A couple days ago I posted on my Facebook page an image from the past and an image from the now. I had a tremendous amount of feedback from this post. Several people told me that it hit a spot right in the feels for them. Now here I am to make you have even more feels.

We all have something we are holding onto from our past that absolutely forbids us moving forward. It could be your high school jeans, your pre-pregnancy clothes, your accomplishments in college, or unaccomplished goals. What ever it may be, you cling to it. You have tunnel vision around what used to be, you can taste that victory, or you stare at those jeans in your closet. You don’t realize that not letting go, only prevents you from loving yourself where you’re at and moving on.

This is in every aspect of our lives. Postpartum, after graduation, our marriage, our relationships, and our career.

Self love isn’t about vanity, accomplishments, or even goals. Self love and self care is about loving yourself in the moment. Truly being proud of who you are and leaving the old you in the past.

Story time.

There once was a mom of two who lost a ton of weight. That mom of two went on to become one of the top trainers in her company.

Now fast forward a couple years, mom of two is pregnant again and excited to bring twins into the world. Mom of two loses twins, she is now a mom of two living and two heavenly babies. Mom tries again to get pregnant, is incredibly safe, still teaches group classes. Mom delivers baby healthy and full term. But Mom has gained 20 lbs with pregnancy and post partum even with teaching classes.

Fast forward mom losses two more babies to miscarriage. Mom finally delivers her fourth living baby full term. Mom has gained 40 lbs. Mom pushes to get back to were she was. She wakes up and is frustrated with her body. Mom gets really sick and gets diagnosed with a chronic illness. She begins to hate her self, because if she’d only been able to maintain a healthy weight she wouldn’t be sick. She looks in the mirror, she’s disgusted, she’s angry, and she’s lost.

She was searching for the mom two and the trainer she. That mom of two was long gone. She’s now a mom of four. Fighting for what used to be she loses sight of what is. In every moment she has focused on what used to be, she becomes more resentful to herself. Anxiety and depression are now in control. Her world is spinning out of control, she loses her grip, and plumets to the ground.

That mom is me.

LET GO!

When we focus on the past, we hinder the future. For so long I focused on getting back to the body I loved that I neglected the body that has gone to war for me. I lost sight of my strength and my beauty. I lost sight of the mom I was supposed to be for my children. My children want a mom to enjoy their days with them, not a miserable one thinking about how things were before she had kids.

Stop focusing on what you were like before kids, if you were supposed to be who you were before kids you wouldn’t have become a mother to begin with.

Self love isn’t about vanity, accomplishments, or even goals. Self love and self care is about loving yourself in the moment. Truly being proud of who you are and leaving the old you in the past. It’s about losing and having the respect to shake hands and move on.

“The road ahead is not always easy, but lock your eyes on what is, what will be, and leave what was for what is.”

DIY Mega Block storage Table

So many blocks all over my house. Between my two younger kids, big brother, and sister. They over run my house in every crack, couch cushions, and even in my shower. Raylan uses them in therapy as well.

The idea of completely eradicating my house of blocks has gone through my mind a number of times honestly, but then I see how much happiness they bring my children.

For a couple months I looked for a table or a bin that could hold our collection of mega blocks with no success. Then one day as we were unpacking our new home a thought came to me.

When we packed our house we decided to use the Black and yellow heavy duty totes from Home depot. That way everything stacked nicely in the moving process. I decided that after they were several empty to use one as a block bin. It held all the blocks perfectly.

As my boys were playing with it, I noticed that they began to use the lid as the base of their play. To my surprise the mega blocks lined up perfect inside the lid This was great! Once my boys weren’t using it Any more I tested out the theory that the blocks could be lined up perfectly and create a table top. Sure enough it was a breakthrough! The tables I had seen Did not have enough Storage for my son’s Block collection, but this way he could store hes mega blocks and have a take to build on. I am sure I was not the first to come up with it, but it turned out so perfect I had to share.

1. Acquire the 17 gallon Tough tote storage Bin from Home depot. it will fit tightly 18W x 11L Single Mega blocks. You can use the blocks that are 2 or 3 well. That is a matter of preference.

2. You’ll need a heavy glue that adheres to plastic-E 6000 is what I used

3- You will need a second set of hands.

4. Something Flat and Heavy-I used books

You will want to lay out blocks first to be sure that they fit perfect and the colors are like you want. Once you’ve adjusted how you want your blocks to look you should start gluing them down. My mom held them down as I glued. Lesson I learned is to do gluing sections, other wise your trying to hold down and glue at the Same time. The glue I bought has 24 Hour curing process. After every block was glued down I set heavy books all down on the lid this way the glue could adhere completely to the lid.

The next day my boys had the perfect table and storage for their collection of mega blocks.

5 Reasons Overwhelmed Moms Don’t Ask for Help

Why don’t you ask for Help? Why didn’t you call me? You should have called me! Sound familar? These are all well known lines that I have heard more times than I’d like to count. Everyone wants to know why I won’t ask for help. Every single mom I have spoke with recently has said that they struggle with asking for help just as much as I do. Why is that? Why do we continue to struggle after we are told to reach out?

  1. We don’t want to be let down.

Let’s be honest, you have offered to help someone or said “call if you need anything” The moment that phone rings and help is requested

we can’t provide the assitance needed. Being a mom I have been there. I have asked for help and been shut down. This makes me nervous to ask for help. I don’t want to be let down by those who have. offered help.

2. Embarrassed!

Society has this man shaming trend. Everyone is a better parent than everyone else.

“What was he doing awake by himself? He doesnt wake you up first?”

“NO Suzy, I let my three year old Run rampid every day of the week and he has to fend for himself.”

Maybe if we stop judging or being condescending to every mom who has a bad day or a parenting mishap there would be more of us who ASK for help.

3. Fear.

This is a big one for me and some people may call me crazy for Feeling this way, however it is 100% Valid! Look at our news headlines now days! I am terrified that others will not accept or understand my children.I am so scared they will not understand or love my Special

special needs son the way our family does and that terrifies me.

4. Guilt.

I hare felt guilty in so many ways. Guilty for leaving my kids behind. Guilty for in convincing some one. Guilty for not being

able to handle it all. Guilty for being tired. We just feel guilty.

5. Weak.

There are many times I have locked myself in my bathroom and cried because I did not want to be seen as weak. When people look at me I don’t want them to think that I wasn’t strong enough to be a mom.

These are very real reasons why we don’t call you. These are the driving force behind our lonely struggles. If you see an

overwhelmed mom and her struggle don’t wait for her to ask for your help, because she never will. When you see that struggle say

“let me help you, what do you need, how can I help you during this time.”

Because you’ll never hear “I need help”

Laredo Keyes Boot Review

When I worked for Boot Barn I bought these Laredo Keyes boot. Everyone who knows me knows my love for snip toe boots. After getting my second pair of Miss Kate Laredo’s I decided that I needed to add another style to my collection. Well with Fourth of July around the corner I absolutely could not pass up these perfect patriotic boots.

They are paired with breathable nylon to keep my feet dry and comfortable. These and Miss Kate’s do not too many differing factors except the outward style. They are constructed exactly the same for the interiors.

Pricing of these boots depending on where you buy them is $140-$160 US

I’d Have to say my favorite feature of these boots are the cut out of stars on the toe of the boot. Pair them with your favorite boot bracelet or on their own, these boots are meant for the American Cowgirl.

FIND THEM HERE!!

Just as the Miss Kate boots have a Dan’s Post look alike these do as well. The difference between Dan’s post and these Laredo is quality and price point. The Dan’s Post Liberty boots are roughly about $270 and can be found here.

Hey There Mr. Tin Man

Everyone knows I adore Miranda Lambert. My husband bought me my very first concert tickets to see her perform during Cheyenne Frontier days. He didn’t know it
in March when he bought the tickets, the concert would be during a very difficult time in our life and it would be a saving grace for me.

Mr. Tin Man is one of her Number one hits and it speaks volumes to me, but not for the same reason it speaks to most. My husband didn’t cheat on me, I wasn’t going through a breakup, nope I am a special Needs mama to a son with an extremely rare genetic mutation.

There are only 386 Children that we know of that have SynGap1. Raylan has uncontrolled epilepsy, severe developmental delays, hypotonia (low muscle tone)

Raylan has had many hospital stays, including a multi-day stay prior to the Miranda Lambert concert. During the week prior to seeing Miranda in concert I watched my son in pain and every day.

He was cooped up in a hospital for 4 days. A team of nurses plus me held him down every morning for needle pokes so he could have his blood drawn. I watched him struggle to eat and drink for 7 days and still continuing to have seizures.

By time Miranda lambert’s concert night came, I was burnt out. I was tired of watching my baby struggle and be completely helpless. I wanted to take his pain away. The moment she began to sing Tin Man tears streamed down my cheeks, because every bit of emotion I had experienced the past week was right there in that moment.

Mr. Tin man is such an amazing song and to hear it live during one of the most difficult times as a mother I had ever experienced meant the world to me.

“Hey there Mr. Tin man.

You don’t know how lucky you are

you shouldn’t spend your Whole life

wish ring for something bound to fall apart

Every time you’re feeling empty

Belter thank your lucky stars

If you ever-felt one breaking

You’d never want a heart.”

Mr. Tin Man I’d have to Agree with Miranda. In all my years I have had plenty of sadness and pain, but trust me

If you ever felt the pain of restraining your child so the doctors can help them you would Never want a heart.

Mr. Tin-man if you ever looked into your child’s eyes and saw pain you couldn’t take away, you’d never want a heart.

Mr. Tin man if you ever felt the pain I feel as

a mother every time my child was crying you’d

never want a heart.

Mr. Tin man if you ever felt the pain that goes with a parents watching their child suffer you’d never want a heart. It would shatter in pieces

As a parent the heartbreak I feel for my children is the worst heartbreak I can ever imagine multiplied by the hundreds.

As Miranda says. You’d better count your lucky stars. I’ll take your Armor and can have my heart.

Laredo Miss Kate Boots Review

I’m here to be honest. I am in love with these beautiful sniptoe Laredo Miss Kate boots, in fact so much I’m on my second pair in 2 years. That’s right my second pair. I bought my first pair summer 2016. I wore them until I couldn’t anymore. I could’ve resoled them, but the leather was actually tearing on both right and left vamp of the boot. It was really strange because they tore in the same spot. Just looked like someone slit it with a knife on each boot. However I still loved them. I wore them pretty much everyday for 2 years, until the sole was completely shot.

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So my husband ordered another pair in a 7.5. He was hoping that the reason behind the tear was because my 7 were a tad snug. The 7.5 fit like a dream and I love them even better than the pair of 7. The reason I love these boots is comfort, fashion, and temperature. My feet never hurt in them. I could stand on my feet for an entire 8 hour shift and my feet never even bothered me. They have a composition sole on them which makes wearing them comfortable.

There isn’t too much I can’t pair with these boots! They are so versatile and match just about everything. I wear them with pants, skirts, shorts, really everything! The colors are perfectly simple and beautiful.

My feet never became to hot or cold. I live in Wyoming, where you can never trust the weather man. No matter if it was hot or cold, my feet never felt uncomfortable. They have some kind of microfiber material lining the inside. This material is designed to wick away moisture and keep your feet dry.

Let’s talk price. Well I believe for as much as wore them and how hard I was on them $150 was an extremely fair price. Especially since I know they will last me a long while. Laredo Boots is a part of Dan Post boot company and Dan Post actually has a pair almost very similar to them for $275 and those can be found here if you are looking for a higher quality boot.

 

 

Mama Lies

7 am and the alarm clock is ringing. By alarm clock I mean Wyatt running down the hall towards me. Cheyenne’s bedroom door opens and shuts. The chaos of the day has just begun and I am no where near ready for it. I roll over and I beg for just a little more rest.

I drag myself into the living room to change Wyatt into a fresh diaper and set up breakfast for him and the older kiddos. “Jay can you watch him while I go lay down with Raylan for a bit?” With out hesitation Jaydon says “Yes mama.” I drag myself into my room and I curl up next to Raylan and I am out faster than light.

Next thing I know Jay comes in and it’s lunch time, Raylan has been up for a couple hours and my big kids have been maintaining the babies while I sleep. I am just so tired, I can’t peel my head from my pillow and I probably couldn’t even sew my eyelids open. I am just so heavy.

They come in “Mommy when you get up can we….” “Yes I promise when I get up just I’m so tired I need to rest a bit”…But the resting doesn’t seem to end. Cheyenne has begged for us to sew, hike, or go to the park and mama keeps saying. “Not today, mama just doesn’t feel good.”

Mama hasn’t “felt” good since May. I have been battling to stay awake and I have been living on Monsters and NOS. Nothing is helping. I lost nearly 13 pounds in 10 days. Granted I was eating healthy when I ate and drinking nearly a Gallon or two a day, but 13 lbs in 10 days no matter how you spin it isn’t healthy for someone of my size.

Since May I have had too many days to count that I stay in bed until my husband is due home around 4:30 PM. I get up make dinner only to go back to sleep by 9. I have spent nearly 12 hours sleeping and still cannot pull myself out of bed without feeling weighed down with exhaustion. I could drink 3 monsters a day, a cup of coffee, and it is no where near enough. When I call the doctor they say that’s not normal and the refer my to yet again another specialist. Its Hashimotos, its fibromyalgia, its auto immune disease, or it could be PCOS. All of which have very similar symptoms, but no one knows exactly what medicines to give me. So they’ve loaded me down with not 1, but 4 new medicines and I cannot tell which is causing which symptom.

I just want to get up clean house, play with my kids, and not struggle to raise my head off my pillow. I want to hike with my kids and my local hiking group, but I am afraid I will not have the energy to get them to the end of the trail.

So mama lies. I lie I feel fine, I lie as I drink the 3rd monster in a row, I lie I am too busy,   I lie I will get up in a minute as I lie in bed struggling to lift up my heavy head.

I am grateful for my kids who may not understand why mama is struggling, but they see it so they let me rest. My heart breaks every time I lay in bed as they play in the living room.

Having hashimotos is a battle that I am not the only one wounded in. Hashimotos effects my entire family. It takes days away from my children, moments, and memories. Many people do not know the amount of control your thyroid has over your body, but here are some of the things controlled by thyroid.

  • Breathing
  • Heart rate
  • Central and peripheral nervous systems
  • Body weight
  • Muscle strength
  • Menstrual cycles
  • Body temperature
  • Cholesterol levels
  • Digestive function
  • Muscle control
  • Brain development
  • Mood
  • Bone maintenance

When my thyroid is out of wack my entire body takes a hit. My kids can tell there is something wrong, my husband knows, and I continue to smile even with the struggle. I eat healthy and it doesn’t seem to matter. I gave 5 years of my life to personal training , health and fitness, but hashimotos did not care. It’s an everyday battle and everyday is different. I could wake up tomorrow and feel rested for the better half of the day, but then the very next day I lie.

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